7 Rules Changes the NFL Is Too Afraid To Make
Recently, the NFL has changed the rules on everything from kickoffs to whether or not you're allowed to touch the passer without a safeword and written apology (the answer is "no*", where the asterisk is "*unless they're on the Bears", in which case the refs will gladly turn their head while the pass rushers used the face of the franchise to scrub their cleats). Football fans are treating changes to their game with all the dignity and grace you would come to expect from a demographic who still suspects Tim Tebow was blackballed from the league because of Jesus but Colin Kaepernick should be dead.
And seeing all of this rage from the very audience I write for over a few rule changes has inspired me with a simple goal: What if I Made This Worse
Here are some rule changes the absolute prudes in the NFL are too scared to implement:
7. Field Goals Just Got More Intense
A simple, binary 3-points-or-none is an outdated rule from an era where players were all moonlighting from their job at the meat-packing plant and couldn't be expected to add numbers any higher. The game has changed, and it's time the Robbie Gould precision artists of the world became even more valuable.
6. The "Jaws of Life" Down
There are some coaches out there who, due to their conditions left undiagnosed, are determined to go for it every fourth down, and in fact would continue to go for it for a 5th down if given the option. So let's give it to them.
The rule change? You get one extra life-saving down to use at your choice. Didn't convert on fourth down at the goal line? Pull out the lifesaver down. Tried to convert from the back of your own endzone and accidentally ran out of down? Use the livesaver down. One down per game. One moment to save a life. Yes, obviously Ben is using it the first drive. That's just how it goes. Mike McCarthy forgets every game, leaving Rodgers to show up on McAfee every week with increasingly annoyed comments about how "leadership needs to be taken accountable for the changing game" while he makes sure his wedding ring is in the shot.
5. Death to Onside Kicks, Life to Normal Football
Onside kicks are a terrible martini shaker of human bodies in which there is nothing served but CTE. It combines all the negatives of football, with its awesome damage to human bodies and brains, with zero of the positives. There are no rocketing passes. There are no patient but violent runs. There are no blocking wizards opening up holes. There are only two opposing lines of human bodies testing to see which coach values them less.
So what does a team do after they score instead? Simple - they get the ball with 4th & 20 on their own 20. If "4th down" feels inappropriate, we can come up with a fun little name for it. "Kicking down". "Possession down". Give it a fun little logo, sky's the limit here. What is limited is the awesome damage to human brains from recklessly clanging them together for kicks, onside or no. It's instead played like a normal fourth down - most teams opt to punt it away, and pin the opposing team back. The few, the bold, the sociopathic (the Ben Johnsons, is what I'm saying) will opt to convert a 4th & 20 in their own redzone. Many will fail. All will be thrilling. You're welcome.
4. Take That Down to the Bank
The above rule is also awesome because it involves more Tory Taylor, which is always an improvement, as are more punters in general. This is a dynamite rule, because punters are wildly under-utilized. It's an astonishing skillset that gets used maybe 70 times a season. Your average football fan sees more domestic violence arrests from their team than punts. This needs to change, and the way to change it?
...who said "less domestic violence"? Get out of here. The answer is more punts. How? Incentive.
The rule: A punt through the uprights earns you a free additional down.
It's 4th & 12 thanks to a false start from Sam Roush. He's afraid to look at the sideline, but you can hear Ben Johnson's teeth grinding from the huddle. While Roush considers the ultimate compressive strength of the human jawbone, Tory Taylor steps up, blond hair illuminated in the stadium lights like a glowing halo... and nails it through the uprights. The stadium erupts in applause. Ben Johnson nearly blinks. The Bears get a free down. Do they use it then and there to convert? No, they save it, you always save it, knowing next drive is gonna be one for the ages.
3. Defensive Takeaway? Defensive Giveaway
Defensive players bust their asses and get half the credit they deserve. The solution? Any defensive takeaway earns their resulting possession an extra down on offense, but the defensive players are the ones that play it.
Dillon Thieneman gets a rad pick? Guess what, they stay on the field. Now you get to run some bananas sweep with Autin Booker as lead blocker. Hell yeah. Even if it goes no-where, who cares? It was a free extra down! It's all reward, (almost) no risk!
2. The Returning Legend
Your team made it to the postseason! Your fans deserve to be rewarded! Your team deserves to be rewarded! But how?
Simple - with this rule change, your team gets one additional roster spot for each round they hit in the playoffs, with the simple catch that it can only be used by one of your team's former players. You get to the Wild Card round? That's right, Devin Hester is now there to pump up the team. NFC Championship? Brian Urlacher arrives. He screams at the defense. His hairline is off-putting. He makes some comments about electrical power stations that you politely ignore. You make it to the Super Bowl? That's right. You knew. Before you started this article, before you took your first breath, in your heart of hearts, you always knew.
Now, some people would question the usefulness of your typical retired football player, what with the speed of a man who washed out of the league and the knees of a young Michael Penix. Those people are why it's so important to keep negativity out of your life - it's contagious, and it makes everything worse.
And look, when you get down to it, this rule adds a ton of fun with only marginal changes to the core game theory of football. It's not like we're completely breaking the game here.
1. The One Where We Just Completely Break the Game
This is a two-parter, aimed a fixing one of the greatest limitations in football - the fact that an offense gets to decide to opt out of a down at any time. The defense has to stay alert and aggressive all down, every down, but a QB who's rushed can just chuck it out of bounds so long as it's vaguely in the direction of a pass catcher.
Thus, the first change is simple: passes that go out of bounds before a player touches them end in a loss of possession. You heard me. Tossing a pass that lands or bounces outside the field of play is equivalent to a fumble lost. You do not want to do this.
The second change? Currently, football works by saying the play is dead when a forward pass hits the ground. Got too much pressure? Just throw it away. Play dead at the snap? Throw it away. Screen got sniffed out? Throw it away. It's lame. It's boring. It's cowardly. My proposition is simple: an incomplete pass doesn't end the down until an offensive player touches the ball. Now, for most passes, nothing changes - you either get a complete pass, or - if the receiver gets a hand on it but is unable to wrangle it in - it falls incomplete. The offensive player touched the ball after all. Play is over.
HOWEVER, should the QB be under duress, have the ball while the play is dead on arrival, have a screen that's sniffed out, etc you have to throw a real pass anyways. A ball landing out of bounds = fumble. A ball landing in-bounds but away from players = fumble, but live. Offenses don't get to just decide a play is over. You're not just facing the defense - you're trapped in here with them.
Now, does this break the game to a degree that it's essentially a new sport barely recognizable to the game we know? ...a little, yeah. Ben Johnson's beloved inside digs off the dagger now become even more of a turnover risk than when Luther Burden or DJ Moore forget how to play football. I don't know how a Kyle Shanahan's offense even completes a drive, but on the other hand, attempting a drive when it's inadvisable hasn't stopped him before (ohhhh DUI ZINGER and it's not even a Romo reference!!!!). Now, there are some finer details to be worked out, but I'll defer to the finer minds in the NFL to drive them home (okay okay I did get a Romo reference in there, my bad).
Honorable Mentions:
Rapid-fire here—
2-pt conversions get 1 point added for every 4 yards back you take the ball. Why not. You down by 12? Get the TD, opt for the 2-point conversion, and take it from outside the 20. Hell yeah.
In the final 2 minutes, a point is added to a score for every player that touched the ball. Are you down 12 with 8 seconds left? You guessed it - lay out a whole bunch of rugby bullshit. Have 11 players touch the ball, keep lateraling it. This rules.
In overtime, your final down doesn't end until 45 seconds go off the clock. You're on 4th down? Just run it, hurry to the line, run it again. And again. You can get four 4th down attempts if you hurry. Make it fast. Make it furious.
A passing TD by the player without the most passing yards for their team is worth 2 more points. Will this encourage more variety at QB play? Will it encourage a bunch of hilarious, flailing slap-dick nonsense? I'm brave enough to ask "show me".
Now, how many of these are viable vs the random firings of football-starved neurons rattling in a brain as they atrophy?
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...anyways the offseason's almost over.
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